Over the years of practicing yoga, I have come across many amazing people whose lives have been completely changed by it. It’s a heart-warming testament to the power of this ancient practice and another reason why we should be so grateful to those who brought it over from the East to the West.
This is my friend Pam’s story, the passionate owner of the soon-to-open' Serenity Yoga & Pilates Studio in Shepperton. These are her words, I haven’t edited them, they are raw and revealing and ultimately profound in a way that only she can describe. The story of her journey to sobriety and into the wonderful, successful, yoga entrepreneur that she is today is truly inspirational.
Pam’s Story
(Possible trigger warning for some.)
About me…oh here it is. Warts and all!!!
Being a little introvert, this openness doesn’t come easy to me but here’s an insight to my journey and how I got here…. I hope that you read this without judgement.
Some of you may be familiar with my addiction and the devastation and chaos I brought to many, including myself. After being the “party girl” maybe “life and soul of the party” somewhere along the way I lost my stop button. Never ever knowing when to stop or having any boundaries in place. Recklessly doing what I wanted, when I wanted with no regard for my health, finances, or people around me that cared for me.
Years and years in this unstructured cycle, constantly in a state of being tipsy, drunk or hungover, crippled with financial strain. Just trying to hold it all together to get through the day only to do the whole ritual all over again, just to feel numb for a bit… Addiction finally bit me on my arse. And boy did I hit the floor running… Everything in my life has been to excess, whether it was drugs, drink, shopping, spending, partying and so it continued… My world was a constant cycle of next drink… next dopamine hit from buying something I probably would never wear and consumed with disorder, lack of structure and generally being a grownup was hard for me. My life started to get out of control and totally unmanageable.
I love my family wholeheartedly, but the addict part of my brain didn’t care for anything other than feeding the dark hole in the soul back to numbness. I couldn’t cope anymore, and it WAS NO LONGER FUN! My consequences were getting bigger, I started to have back-to-back seizures for hours. Being violently sick whilst trying to consumer more alcohol every morning to stop my hands shaking was horrendous. Then came the worst thing I did……. Hair of the dog!!! I thought this was great. No hangover just constantly topping up the alcohol in my system. It didn’t take too long and... My body was now dependent on alcohol, and I physically could not function without it.
I was so fortunate to get to attend a two-week outpatient’s treatment in a rehab centre. I managed 6 weeks of sobriety but hated feeling the emotions that alcohol suppressed. I literally hated myself. Self-loathing, shame, guilt and feeling soulless was not how I wanted to feel. Thinking and feeling where not normal to me. So, I relapsed once again. Only for the previous pattern to be more extreme. My addiction was fighting me, and I had no strength to fight back. Everyone who cared for me tried to help. Taking me to crisis centres, hospital even bringing me wine as medication to stop me having seizures but as always, I abused every system in place to try and help me get control of my life once more. I caused so much stress, worry and pushed everyone to their limits. My disease affected every one of my relationships, family, and friends where fraught with worry.
Then finally after twice hurting myself my world fell apart. My 3 children whom I adore where no longer allowed to be in my care. I’d lost everything id every truly cared for. My Dad who was very poorly and had recently suffered a stroke was still by my side. He somehow never judged me. Obviously, the stress I was causing was making him even more unwell. I asked to be sectioned, I no longer had any hope, and I didn’t want to be here anymore. There was only darkness…
I sat in my emotions and decided on the 14t August 2020 that I would try one day without drinking. I presumed that I might pass away whilst having seizures or just go ahead and end it all once and for all. But something happened... I had found the gift of desperation and was on my knees. 4 weeks of withdrawals, vomiting, fitting, hallucinating, sweating, mourning my loss of everything, I still hadn't drank… something had shifted.
Still hating myself and feeling empty with nothing to fill my void I decided to try a yoga class at Fresh Gym. This is where things shifted a little more to the light.
I met Fiona the amazing yoga instructor that I believed helped save my life… Forever grateful to you Fiona… Me and my whole family owe you for eternity.
I confided in Fiona how my life was in tatters, and she was so full of grace, compassion, and empathy that I connected to her warm aura. Having never stepped for on a yoga mat before this made me feel peaceful somehow.
I started to do yoga classes frequently…. Four and a half months later, still sober, my kids were allowed to come home. Since that first yoga class I have fought with everything I have to stay well for my babies. My friends and family have forgiven me and rejoice in my sobriety as do I. I noticed that my body was getting stronger, my mind calmer and less muddled and I could recognise and deal with my emotions better.
Along this journey I have met people who are so very special to me now. People who didn’t know me but knew of my story who gave me a chance and I slowly grew my wings. All of this was leading me to where I am now. A very, very special friend asked me a year into my sobriety “What did I love” my response was yoga. He then stuck a rocket up my arse and told me “it’s time for you to make your kids proud, go show them how strong you are” This is when I started my yoga teacher training. This would never of happened without the love, kick up the butt and encouragement from Mr C and Csilla whom I love so, so dearly.
Once on this discovery and learning phase, it seemed like there was no stopping me then. I qualified as a yoga instructor, celebrated 2 years being clean and serene.
This learning curve I was on was flat out for a few years, partly to keep me safe and sober and partly just to prove I could do it. This was the start of my teaching yoga journey, swiftly followed by Pilates, Yin Yoga, Pilates with props, kids yoga.
My life is beautiful, and my kids are healthy, happy and simply my world. I wanted to take the time to any of you that have been part of my journey. To finally find acceptance, trust and have a fondness for myself is priceless. Whilst being able to devote myself to being the best parent I can is priceless. Whatever your situation, life is hard and challenging for all of us. Exercise and wellness have saved me from myself along with all the beautiful people I’ve met along the way. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have changed mine and my children life…
Yoga teaches you to NEVER LOOK BACK.. THE PAST IS GONE, FUTURES UNKNOWN, LIVE IN THE GIFT OF THE PRESENT..
Pilates has made my body strong, given me body awareness and respect whilst making my mind calm. A combination of the two disciplines has transformed me physically but more importantly mentally and emotionally. To have a safe space to find a release and stillness of the mind is a must for me keeping well.
As of the date of writing this 13.04.24 I am 3 years,7 months and 29 days clean and serene. Its still day by day but just for today I’m winning I hope to sprinkle some wellness, fun and strength to you and wish you peace of mind and inner peace.
Hope to see you on the mat,
Pamela at Serenity Yoga and Pilates
“God grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
and the wisdom to know the difference”.
The serenity prayer
If anyone reading this needs some support, then please do feel free to contact me or NA or AA. There is always hope even in the darkest of times.
You can find Pam at Serenity Yoga & Pilates in Shepperton FitBox in the Highstreet for all kinds of classes and wellness coaching. Check out her website: Serenity Yoga and Pilates with Pamela and you can contact her at: https://www.serenityyogaandpilates.com/contact
I will be teaching Yin to Yang yoga on a Monday evening from the 10th June at 6.30pm.
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